4 posts tagged “rant”

At times I get really bothered when I do my routine blog surfing. I’m competitive by nature, in other words kiasulah! It bothers me when others, are in better places, better positions, brighter, more successful, and have a whole lot more going on in their lives. It bothers me when people can reflect so well and express articulately emotional stories of the heart with an ample amount of ecstasy, melancholy, and at times anguish thrown in for good measure. Why am I bothered by such trivial things you may ask. The answer is relatively simple – because I cant do what they do. (heh, this is most probably a logic only kiasu people will comprehend).

Although I’ve name this blog iReflections (the ‘i’ to make it sound more techie/geeky =). I can never seem to write a proper emo/reflective entry. I find my entries stale, boring, and mere chronological descriptions of activities that I’ve done or seen. Very shallow, two dimensional entries which neglect to explore the complications and conundrums found within the internal constructs of everyday objects. Objects which inherit the characteristics of the very world we live in; encapsulating its natural inclination to make things complex and at times the irony of its nature which strives to achieve simplicity (Chewah, using OO language. I'm not sure if this sentence makes sense, i just wanted to use the OO terms. It should be rather apparent that i'm dead bored). Dunno lah, maybe I’m not cut out for emo-emo stuff. Looks like my right brain abit cacated - Technically competent, emotionally impaired.

I get weird mood swings every now and then (the male version of a PMS) and this entry is the product of one. You know what? I’m going to look back at this entry in 2 hours time and regret over writing it…But, what are blogs for, if not for venting clogged up emotions. Right?

The past 3 days, I've been praying for a sign from God as to which direction I should head in the area of my career. I did not pray for any sign in particular but was just waiting. I know my parents want me to take HSBC's conditional offer (need to get min of 2-1 to qualify), they've not explicitly stated it, but they've been making indirect hints/indications. However, I believe this is a decision that I need to make with as little external influences as possible. I'll have to live with it for the next 2 1/2 years (30 month contract) and I think it's important to ensure that it is something I truly want.

This conditional offer together with SC's came as a surprise. I came to London, expecting nothing more than interview experiences. All I wanted was to better prepare myself for the job market when I graduate next year. Through God's grace, I made it pass HSBC's gruelling, rigorous and painstakingly long assessment process and was offered a role in commercial banking. Utterly surprised and bewildered, I returned home not knowing what to do. I've always had dreams of establishing a career in the UK, primarily because of 2 reasons - better learning experience and better money. Don't get me wrong, I still love Malaysia. I will always be a Malaysian at heart, nonetheless, I think the UK offers unparalleled learning experiences. But wanting to work here and getting a job here are two very distinct issues.

The many Malaysians that I have spoken to, some have been here since Year 1 and some since A-levels, have had problems securing jobs in the UK. It's unhealthy basing decisions on the negatives, but reality should to an extend have some bearing on decisions we make. It's hard to say what my odds are, there are only so many variables I can handle, more than that and I'm as lost as a wondering sheep.

Ok, enough ranting already. I think most of you would have fallen asleep by now :P
I've made a decision to take the offer. On the basis that I have the peace within my heart and hypothetically career advancement back home would be easier. One more thing...I think staying in London for the past few days has also opened my eyes to something so profound and surreal (exaggerating a little) - I suck at staying alone, it's so depressingly lonely! No human contact, it's almost like being locked in a jail cell. My happiest days in London, were the ones where I had interviews to attend, at least then I had someone to talk to. Funnily, this may have been the most compelling deciding factor to the biggest decisions I've ever had to make. Weird.

Never did it cross my mind that studying abroad would be this demanding. Apart from the grueling course work, one has got so many other responsibilities to juggle. At times i feel like a juggler with one hand tied behind my back.
It is only now that I've started pondering and appreciating the simplest of things that I had back home. The itsy-bitsiest of things that were taken for granted; like the convenience of a washing machine, dinner that was always ready by 6pm and a car at my disposal.

Make no mistake however, it's not that i've been suffering from delusions of grandeur; expecting to be served hand and foot nor am I throwing a tantrum, banging my head against the wall, screaming with discontent. These responsibilities, however tedious, nasty (washing oily dishes) and tiring (washing clothes by hand!), do come with its perks. For instance, i no longer need to share the chocolates, ice cream and juices with my siblings; back home everything worth fighting for was always divided four ways. It was, i must admit, a brilliant system set in placed by the wisest of big brothers (*cough*) to preserve order within the home. Apart from that, there's always the occasional late night entertainment of watching drunkets make fools of themselves. And the sporadic xxx sounds from neighbours upstairs. With the paper thin walls, you practically hear everything; from the rocking of the bed to the odd mourning sounds. It's hilarious i tell you.

I dont think im alone on this, cos unless you're a brilliant time manager with Energizers plugged in; it's easy to realize how little time we have in a day. To a certain extend it may just be me, im used to moving at a slower than usual pace, taking things in mini steps instead of strides. I guess im incorrigible. Alright, before i suffer anymore delusions of having an infinite amount of time; ive got dishes waiting.

Seeing that today's valentines, i would'nt be too surprised if the ceiling starts rocking. Catch my drift? ;)

I remember singing this song to Nicholas at the airport a year back. Time has zoomed by so fast; it's going to be my turn to leave the nest soon. And honestly, I don’t think I’m ready. Right now, I’m swarmed with a hosts of emotions; on one hand there's always that excitement of awaited adventure; on the other, I come from a really close-knitted family, leaving home is going to be an emotional roller coaster. I'm subconsciously hoping for a delay of some sort. Not a detrimental delay that will cost much hassle, but maybe just for time to decelerate a little.

Just submitted my Visa application today. The process was painstakingly tedious; a reevaluation of the procedures definitely needs to be done. They were so fussy, a pile load of documents and a 10 page application form had to be submitted. I'm desperately praying that I'll get my passport back latest by this Tuesday, if not I'll have to cancel my trip to Bali . I surely wouldn’t want to be left behind while my family sips down fresh coconuts and eat sumptuous seafood by the beach.

Ok, my cough mixture is making me drowsy; I’m calling it a night, ciaoz.